if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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