My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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