As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
