Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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