I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
