Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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