You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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