I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
