I just saw a hot homeless man
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
