could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
