My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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