Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize