Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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