i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize