I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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