I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
