What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
