do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
