The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
