Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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