I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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