do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
