Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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