Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize