so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
