I want to stick my p in your. b.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
