I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
