my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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