This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
