Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
