Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
