Will you blow on my dice?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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