This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
