just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
