i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
