As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
