The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
