I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
