The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
