A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
