I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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