When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
