I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
