That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
