I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
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