I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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