When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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