Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
