I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
