rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
