totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
