I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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