Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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