Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
