she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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