cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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