Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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