Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
