You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
