Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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