Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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